No panties.

2012-02-03T18:53:00.000-08:00

without the fish
i wish
to lay flat upon the ocean
emotionless

look up at nothing
in the middle of nothing
upon the pacific sea.

ill lose buoyancy
and travel to the bottom
of everything.

115 and friends.

2012-01-28T22:55:00.001-08:00

frank.

2012-01-28T22:54:00.001-08:00

bill.

2012-01-28T22:46:00.000-08:00

2012-01-26T20:57:00.004-08:00

2012-01-26T20:57:00.003-08:00

i hear giggles, loud music, and loud voices and the pits of my insides are almost instantly nauseous as i look over at you and youre completely unsatisfied, unhappy, expressionless. vomit. i was never a consistent person until i met you, youre just constantly blue. im always shooting for different colors. i am looking for happiness. and this doesn't concern anyone. plain and simple, consistent happiness. because this is all i want with you. this doesnt concern anyone. im always wrong. and i will never win.

2012-01-26T20:57:00.001-08:00

ive got a 3000 debt that could really set me up in a casket. i dont know why, i dont know why! i think about it all time because thats how much i believe my life is worth.

2012-01-26T20:31:00.000-08:00

word vomit-- fucking up my insides. true naked unscripted venting of todays and yesterdays consumption. it couldn't be absorbed, it's just collecting up in piles and piles of shit. mental confinement releasing itself out as puke.

2012-01-20T23:56:00.000-08:00

2012-01-20T23:42:00.000-08:00

"Lying on my back. I heard music.
Felt unsure and catastrophic. Had to tell myself it's only music.
It blows my mind, but it's like that.

Is anyone there? What could you tell me?
Afraid of what? Would you ever know?
Everyone else is really boring.
Anyone else wouldn't be good enough.

Some place safe I would imagine.
Someone new would be so cruel.
Incurable paranoiac. Hysterical depression."

2012-01-15T17:23:00.000-08:00

What isn't killing me now

Will kill me later.

Cage- My Mind Is Kind Of Morbid

2012-01-15T10:10:00.000-08:00

Danger Mouse _ Daniele Luppi - The Rose With A Broken Neck

2012-01-10T23:42:00.000-08:00

maggots #2

2012-01-10T23:24:00.001-08:00

i smoked in my bedroom once before
in my living room, too.
in that tennis court,
we were fucked up.
in that bedroom we fucked.

page 7

2012-01-10T23:13:00.000-08:00

feels like summer
when i fell asleep next to green leaves and a single clear glass
1.5 cleaned out bottles
empty packs
of cigarettes
quiet
and my
cats.

it wasn't the warmth because i am freezing.
it wasn't being left alone or leaving.
it was a feeling.

i can't finish the bottle,
it's still half full.

i remember around 3 or 4a.m. sort of wanting to save a glass before 10:30am. its never come down to that, but as soon as this is over, it will. and i may lose everything once and for all. really, everything. and maybe i'll just cut off my hands.

2012-01-10T21:55:00.000-08:00

Rtbeaftrotcalw.

Imbalance

2012-01-10T12:00:00.000-08:00

Love me then leave me.

Easily.

2011-12-30T22:28:00.000-08:00

I am surrounded by fucking idiots.

2011-12-26T22:42:00.000-08:00

dont need black cats or white lighters because ive got holidays and birthdays.
ive got heavy chest pains, tired eyes, fucked up hands, a cold body.

just burnt.
and
out.

2011-12-26T09:23:00.000-08:00

"late at night living with myself im burning up all the time.
around the first of the month im breaking down all the time.
walking with my eyes to sky im outside in all the time.
at the end of each day im digging dirt all the time.

i was going on about town
walked into a puddle and was put out
i dont burn out like i did when i was twenty-two."

2011-12-16T09:52:00.000-08:00

fuck art
lets dance

fuck dancing
lets fuck

dirty work.

2011-12-12T17:22:00.000-08:00

i love putting my hands at the pit of
all of your dregs because it weighs upon your
spoiled little hands and it is
IT IS
IT IS
what makes me wet.

in sweat.

in anger i pour down into
drains
i spill
effort
in making things
easier
than watching your rotten fingers get spoiled.

2011-12-12T17:17:00.000-08:00

dont degrade yourself the way that i do because you dont depend upon all the shit that i use to make my moods improve.

2011-12-07T22:32:00.000-08:00

im so tired and all i want is to be taken care of for like 3 days straight. my back truly fucking hurts. the pain isnt leaving.

just wanna be comfortable.
and never alone.
and that 3 day thing.
with nothing to worry about the next day.

2011-12-03T00:52:00.000-08:00

Friday night dinner and a movie with my love, Aaron. Couldn't be happier. I fucking swear <3

Doomriders - Black Thunder

2011-12-01T23:13:00.000-08:00

6ft above you.

2011-11-24T21:26:00.000-08:00

and this.

i am intense, but these feelings are calm and natural. cant say im selfish until im selfish. unless im selfish. i wasnt a complicated girl until my loved ones called me complicated. ive always welcomed this idea and it has always stood by me. in a cold, white bed - upon the cold, wet ground. unlocked doors couldn't protect me. all i want to be is the beautiful tree on East Lincoln or apart of many dead animals. nothing is real. i am living a secret, dull, cold, distance life. in love and truly hated. i need another scare or to simply relinquish.

2011-11-20T11:15:00.000-08:00

2011-11-15T21:21:00.001-08:00

when i was 6, i used to believe that every palm tree was hawaii. i was sitting in the back of a vehicle driving down some shitty paved road and saw rows of them. they were so tall. i told my friends later on that i went to hawaii. i was young and stupid.

ceremony- 5. 5 to 10 (vile cover)

2011-11-15T21:05:00.000-08:00

figment of imagination.

2011-11-14T22:41:00.000-08:00

last week i sat on my bedroom floor. i grounded myself to the left of my ceiling fan and laid back. uncomfortable, cold hardwood. i was looking up and i saw red. i saw dirty fan blades. i saw lines in my walls and shadows of my furniture. i thought about life and i thought about death. i thought about threesomes and i thought about masturbation. i thought about food and starvation. i thought about work and dead leaves. lovers, haters, and everyone in between. then you.

and i swear that i couldn't breathe. like, i literally couldn't get a breath out and if anything were to come out of my mouth, it would be vomit. it was lust, infatuation, rapture, hate, bitter and sweet. it is so clear that i have been defeated.

i wanted to shed. my body has been forcing these things to stick around inside me like some fucking terminal disease. i couldn't. i needed someone and no one at all. i need to be taken care of, but i need no one at all.

when is it my turn?

coma.

2011-11-14T20:57:00.000-08:00

2011-11-08T09:05:00.000-08:00

figures that are coming towards me
are actually walking away.

2011-11-07T09:49:00.000-08:00

Life

2011-11-04T00:39:00.000-07:00

"I rained my love

To the heads that breathe below

But none of them cared

None of them cared"

2011-10-29T23:47:00.000-07:00

theres quiet rustling leaves...cheers, woos, whistles, screams, chants, bad music. im smoking my second to last cigarette of the night on my dirty front porch. two college girls pull down their panties to piss in my yard like dogs. i hear distant sirens, close sirens, and with all this noise, im like channel 3's static. i am reflecting on some shitty octobers.

theres a sickness in my chest and in my throat that im resting off tonight with my boyfriend. i cant say this month was at all shit. im happy and for once in a long time. here's a holiday where i haven't been abandoned, cheated of, or fucked. im just sick. and im happy and im comfortable. and im really, truly satisfied.

what a wonderful turn around.

#1

2011-10-26T23:46:00.000-07:00

"it would be pretty cool to watch you eat cum off of chocolate"

I had a headache.

2011-10-22T01:27:00.001-07:00

2011-10-19T01:53:00.001-07:00

can't sleep.

2011-10-19T01:31:00.000-07:00

when life handed me lemons, i asked
what the fuck?
i need lemon flavored burritos
and chap stick.
i need thick lemon liquor
to puke out tomorrow morning.

2011-10-16T17:49:00.000-07:00

theres rise, theres emotion, theres something you
can get from my stupid self.

but you can get disconnected and
left just as easily
as my rising emotions.

2011-10-13T19:55:00.001-07:00

sometimes, you just need a cold, hard fucking punch to the head to realize that life is so much more than a cold beer and screwdriver. whatever i wasnt feeling, i feel. my hands, my head, my stomach, my heart. and when everything just feels so right, like a cold hard fucking punch to the head-- a cold hard fucking imaginary punch to the gut destroys the entire idea of life being so much more than a cold beer and screwdriver.

2011-10-13T19:51:00.000-07:00

"I'd suffer anything, give anything and give everything.
I'd turn back the hands of time and commit the only crime worth remembering."

youre just another picture in a folder that i will not revisit for years.

2011-10-03T00:13:00.001-07:00

it wasn't until last week i began stumbling upon old pictures and films that would make my guts want to project straight out of my mouth. my computer has been as much as a clusterfuck as my head. how do you reestablish yourself after 5 years? as quick as i possibly could, i shifted through thousands of photographs and letters and condensed every piece of my past into a single folder that i titled "CRAP".

i will not delete however i lived with whoever i was with for the last five years because it's all a large portion of my life that made me who i am right now. placing proof of that entire relationship into it's own small folder was completely just as satisfying as it was for me to leave that relationship. and i feel like that 100% "over" is now like a 110% DONE.

"talk"

2011-10-02T22:09:00.000-07:00

people pleasing-

parties

when im sad

insult to injury

always sorry

my family

livejournal

coming to me, then not wanting to hear.

losing.

(page 19 of my novel)

The Stooges - No Fun

2011-10-02T22:06:00.000-07:00

Ceremony - The Doldrums (Friendly City)

2011-10-02T15:09:00.000-07:00

2011-10-02T10:07:00.000-07:00

partied like a champion.
not drinking for days.
have a nice sunday.

october never works.

2011-10-01T11:41:00.000-07:00

its that transition from hot to cold. it makes everyone weird and distant.
i want to lay around with a cup of laced coffee. this isnt usual for me, but it is so familiar... whatever feeling i feel when this month starts and ends. then i think november... then december and the pit of my insides turn out and i get a rush of dullness.

another year and i can't change this unfortunate pattern.
i am not pessimistic, just realistic.
however, i am slowly building motivation to prove myself wrong.
starting right now. oct 1st.

2011-10-01T10:17:00.000-07:00

sasha grey.

2011-09-28T16:21:00.000-07:00

i dont like kevin smith.
i hate a lot of the movies he's produced.
but this was pretty fucking good.

fuckin' rad!

2011-09-27T17:35:00.000-07:00

cutting moments.

2011-09-26T19:05:00.000-07:00

2011-09-25T18:25:00.000-07:00

im really lost right now because i can't wrap my head around being so cold this winter. i need a california map and a blind fold.

2011-09-25T11:02:00.000-07:00

i had to close the door on you, kid.
you wouldnt accept my compromise
and a two second drunk conversation
means two hours of a one-sided conversation.

2011-09-25T02:34:00.000-07:00

goodway
highday.

youre daddy wasn't there.

2011-09-24T23:29:00.000-07:00

we all love sluts.
we all need sluts.
sluts love having children.
we need second generation sluts.
single mothers-
forgotten fathers...
spreading seeds like aids.

offend in every way.

2011-09-24T11:11:00.000-07:00

2011-09-22T23:08:00.000-07:00

101 degree pedophile.

2011-09-22T22:35:00.000-07:00

you are not in your bedroom, on your computer, underground or in a basement. open park, open boner. cover your lap, swallow your spit.

walking home.

2011-09-22T22:14:00.000-07:00

bad children, drop outs, junkies--
hide out, holler, harassing in crypts of expensive
overdone boutiques.
same clothes, same shit, bad fashion on the street.
i dont have a cent to spare, you scum. i've got bills and you're just lazy.
go make some sense.
i hate your signs.

lady, oh you crazy, crazy women.
walking your new born along ivy.
its 11pm, im smoking a cigarette. i dont feel bad about sharing this sidewalk second hand smoke, filling your lungs, suffocating your child's. you are walking your new born along ivy.
its 11pm.
who the fuck are you?

old men, old man...
why are you hidden in the dark, under a broken lamp, at a quiet downtown bank? this isn't where i keep my money, this is my way home. i saw you, i see you. you arent a secret. you say nothing, but im curious... are you a thief?

Heavens - Another Night

2011-09-22T09:11:00.000-07:00

during a weekend.

2011-09-21T20:08:00.000-07:00

breathing in smoke on a backless, uncomfortable chair. listening to the fucked up music from across the fence, debating on shooting my head. i have a hangover and i am unhappily smoking a cigarette. it doesnt taste like the night before. i hear a worked-out sweaty boy. he looks 25, but he's probably 21. i hate his hair. i hate his shoes.

he holds hot dogs so well. i watch these flexed abs run up and down the stairs with many hot dogs. he loves hot dogs. he eats them everyday. he feeds them to his boy friends. he looks for them when he's drunk. when he's feeling hungry, hot dogs are what satisfy his craving. sucking down those hot dogs are what makes this boy happy. he will eat many, many hot dogs in his lifetime. he will hold many, many hot dogs in his lifetime. he will even model them for the oscar mayer big boys. they will see this boy and the way he grips wieners and call him a winner. the winner of all meat heads. the winner of all sausages.

rolly in the japanese film "suicide club"

2011-09-16T01:41:00.000-07:00

i used to adore this movie. i need to rewatch it. its been years.

Trash Talk - Awake

2011-09-16T00:34:00.000-07:00

listen to this band.
incredible incredible incredible.

stoked for the new shit!

2011-09-14T09:58:00.000-07:00

hot piss

2011-09-13T09:51:00.001-07:00

"Fangs on flesh sink in soft skin
Throw your soul to the volcano
Where lave once erupts in your stomachs
now molten in the skull
Follow me,
Swallow me down
I don't coma anymore
I map my way around the matressed floor
Angles of the underworld at night
We dine
Your teeth will grind into mine
Just keep me out of the sun
You call me scum like I'm the only one"

2011-09-12T10:10:00.000-07:00

long live mildred!

bones.

2011-09-12T08:54:00.000-07:00

2011-09-12T08:53:00.000-07:00

2011-09-11T22:49:00.001-07:00

</3

i want this.

2011-09-11T01:02:00.000-07:00

swallowing pills down with bleach milk and orange juice.

2011-09-11T00:33:00.000-07:00

2011-09-10T16:26:00.000-07:00

pointless spending.

2011-09-09T00:42:00.000-07:00

because it feels good to surround myself with
things that are temporary. i like it. nothing lasts forever. ive learned that. i know when something is destine to fail, and things that will persist and move forward (but not forever).

temporary is easier.

im used to being stuck and unhappy. temporary gives me satisfaction and freedom. this goes for material items as well as emotional brain rape.

moving on, moving forward, moving fast...
before im just unhappy.

bathroom sinks are the best place for an ab workout.

2011-09-07T09:26:00.000-07:00

cigarette smoke and beer and caffeine
im a fucking exercise machine!

Tyler, The Creator - Transylvania Official Video

2011-09-06T09:57:00.000-07:00

lettuce lover, shes here again..

2011-09-05T08:58:00.000-07:00

cant sleep again.
rolling out of bed earlier, and earlier.

here we go, again...

not everything is black and white. i think if people knew me better, they would understand my irrational mannerisms, the chain smoking, and the quiet anxiety that plagues me as we sit and watch netflix. im not an asshole. i care, maybe too much. im random because im new again. ive been reborn and i dont understand certain social norms, still. still, im figuring it out all while crushin' super hard. i shouldnt do both at the same time, but you cant help who moves you. its not black and white. everyone just drives me into looking insane.

when really, im just new again.

Cage - Eating it's way out of me [HIGHEST QUALITY]

2011-09-04T23:30:00.000-07:00

2011-09-02T14:09:00.000-07:00

headache
heart
and
the heat.

worth something

2011-08-30T09:56:00.000-07:00

so.

2011-08-30T09:53:00.000-07:00

fucking.
annoyed.

2011-08-30T00:59:00.000-07:00

i really do feel like the sanest thing i could do
to make me feel not so insane
would be to
"go off the deep end"
and figure shit out later.

(goodnight cruel world!)

2011-08-24T22:35:00.001-07:00

i see young men, 19 or 20-- white nice collared shirts, black slacks...on bikes. mormons. you religious young men, im watching you with your helmets and your bike lights.

i dont trust you.
you shouldn't trust me, either.

and the story ends.

--

2011-08-23T23:02:00.001-07:00

goodnight cruel world.

2011-08-23T10:05:00.000-07:00

2011-08-18T22:44:00.000-07:00

the new neighbors
have louder speakers
than us.

it was 2000 and i loved this band. (still do)

2011-08-17T17:48:00.000-07:00

2011-08-13T16:33:00.001-07:00

i keep cancer in me.

eucalyptus.

2011-08-13T13:53:00.000-07:00

i was breathing in ash, throwing up black. i watched rats get cooked in 4 star burning restaurants. i am a strike of lighting that has just brought rage to the city. walking, watching...letting it happen. i had the power to put out the disaster, but i am allowing devastation to the district and its people.

i relive good memories with a sore stomach and cold blood. i relive bad ones and execute! execute! execute! what have i done?

3,000,000. i say. or more.
buried in the floor.

(praying)

Heart - Crazy On You

2011-08-12T08:45:00.000-07:00

fistsaa burnin'.

2011-08-11T15:18:00.000-07:00

urine.
can't function without being hungover.
does this make sense?

i dont live every day like its my last because i am not scared of dying.
im not tough.

my pants are falling down.

ugh, what happened to this poem?

2011-08-06T14:09:00.000-07:00

i really cant stand the way
some bitches say

SAN FRANSISCO

this looks amazing.

2011-08-04T17:31:00.000-07:00

im a bunny rabit.

2011-08-03T00:51:00.001-07:00

yes, sirrr

2011-08-02T00:57:00.000-07:00

this has been the best
and the happiest birthday weekend
since i was just a kid.

Terminal addiction - Ceremony (Rohnert Park)

2011-07-31T10:58:00.000-07:00

2011-07-31T01:57:00.000-07:00

birthday weekend
bust
bash bitchy fuck
everything

and everyone

seriously.

SLAMMING DOORS.

2011-07-31T01:56:00.000-07:00

FUCK!

2011-07-29T16:09:00.000-07:00

i could exist today
and not tomorrow.

cool