without the fish
i wish
to lay flat upon the ocean
emotionless

look up at nothing
in the middle of nothing
upon the pacific sea.

ill lose buoyancy
and travel to the bottom
of everything.

115 and friends.

frank.

bill.

i hear giggles, loud music, and loud voices and the pits of my insides are almost instantly nauseous as i look over at you and youre completely unsatisfied, unhappy, expressionless. vomit. i was never a consistent person until i met you, youre just constantly blue. im always shooting for different colors. i am looking for happiness. and this doesn't concern anyone. plain and simple, consistent happiness. because this is all i want with you. this doesnt concern anyone. im always wrong. and i will never win.

ive got a 3000 debt that could really set me up in a casket. i dont know why, i dont know why! i think about it all time because thats how much i believe my life is worth.

word vomit-- fucking up my insides. true naked unscripted venting of todays and yesterdays consumption. it couldn't be absorbed, it's just collecting up in piles and piles of shit. mental confinement releasing itself out as puke.

"Lying on my back. I heard music.
Felt unsure and catastrophic. Had to tell myself it's only music.
It blows my mind, but it's like that.

Is anyone there? What could you tell me?
Afraid of what? Would you ever know?
Everyone else is really boring.
Anyone else wouldn't be good enough.

Some place safe I would imagine.
Someone new would be so cruel.
Incurable paranoiac. Hysterical depression."

What isn't killing me now

Will kill me later.

Cage- My Mind Is Kind Of Morbid

Danger Mouse _ Daniele Luppi - The Rose With A Broken Neck

maggots #2

i smoked in my bedroom once before
in my living room, too.
in that tennis court,
we were fucked up.
in that bedroom we fucked.

page 7

feels like summer
when i fell asleep next to green leaves and a single clear glass
1.5 cleaned out bottles
empty packs
of cigarettes
quiet
and my
cats.

it wasn't the warmth because i am freezing.
it wasn't being left alone or leaving.
it was a feeling.

i can't finish the bottle,
it's still half full.

i remember around 3 or 4a.m. sort of wanting to save a glass before 10:30am. its never come down to that, but as soon as this is over, it will. and i may lose everything once and for all. really, everything. and maybe i'll just cut off my hands.